Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣