today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.