Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I鈥檓 not saying I don鈥檛 love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn鈥檛 almost exclusively said when she鈥檚 pooping.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there鈥檚 any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I鈥檒l get my greens from the ice cream
God: Noah, I鈥檇 like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what鈥檚 wrong?
God: are you sure they aren鈥檛 all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that鈥檚 crazy
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Who called it a wolf in sheep鈥檚 clothing and not a woolf?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 馃槵
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one鈥檚 broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn鈥檛 finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.