Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
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Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to