spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Breaking news:
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.