*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
When he asks for feet pics
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.