Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address