[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat