[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Mouse
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Favourite diary entry ever
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.