Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
#inspiration #foodforthought
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.