Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
You Might Also Like
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
There are no pants in heaven.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*