Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“what that mouth do?” complain
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’