Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
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who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
mumsnet is amazing
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.