Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”