Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.