Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
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Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.