Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
3% human
97% stress
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.