@Underchilde: Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you've thought up a good excuse.
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@theresa_lauren: "Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on
@LostFelicia: I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button. I'm not taking him with me again.
@meganamram: We're in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn't looked down yet