@timdonakowski: Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
@sofarrsogud: The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
@tsunami__7: Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog's face that said "sucks for you, I'm going back to sleep".