Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
incredible text to wake up to
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Good boy 😂😂
Sponch
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?