Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Lube but for my dry humor.