Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Oh the world we live in…
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
canadian assassins are called killergrams
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.