I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
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ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
(True)
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs