@poutinesmoothie: I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

@patnspankme: Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

@Brianhopecomedy: My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@3sunzzz: 4yo: Do you want to play pretend? Me: I already am. 4yo: What pretend? Me: Shh, you're not here.

@ericsshadow: The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he's 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.