Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…