Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
We’ve all been there…
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes