Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
You Might Also Like
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.