My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
HELP 😭
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year