@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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@TweetPotato314: Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour. Boss: Need a new battery? Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
@Carbosly: Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
@Robski_Boy: I still get my 'drive-throughs' & 'drive-bys' mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?