@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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@_Awwsomeness_: Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle. At first slowly, and then all at once. *The fault in our Jars*
@TheMichaelRock: Me: did you get into my weed again? Wife *dipping a pop tart in ranch dressing* what?
@shutupmikeginn: A trailer in a movie theater ended with "November 20th" and a guy loudly said, "thats my birthday" and a random guy said "happy birthday"