@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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@Playing_Dad: [Job Interview] Boss: It says you are a great problem solver Me: Yes B: Can you give me an example? Me: I'm hired B: *whispers* holy shit
@BritXNic: Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don't need to hear how you got together.
@PaperWash: [death row] Guard: alright tough guy one last meal Me: a cyanide pill Guard: what? no we want to kill you! Me: too bad Guard: aw man
@Tmoney68: Ladies, if he tells you he's 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren't two separate measurements.