Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
How dude HOW?!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
A short story about romance.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama