Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.