Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My neck my back my allergy attack
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.