Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.