Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Just how popey was the pope today?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.