Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
You Might Also Like
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Put this video in the Louvre
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
What a year we’ve had this week.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.