luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.