@badbanana: Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let's ruin both at once.
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@UncleDuke1969: Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
@malt_skull: [phonecall w criminal] FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
@MrMichaelRose: I went to Lowe's to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don't exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
@PaulyPeligroso: People are all like "STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT" and then they shut down and people are all like "COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT"