Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
remember
only for emergencies
was Jim off killing horses or…
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”