Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The Book. The Movie.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.