@dance_blessed: Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk.
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@TheToddWilliams: [Ferrari dealership] ME: How much for this red one? SALESMAN: Oh, that'll cost you a pretty penny ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick* SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
@Manda_like_wine: Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.
@Liber_what: Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon's food, the eggs are about to hatch S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate Me: Me: here, take the eggs too