[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?