[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
You Might Also Like
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
No, YOUR illiterate.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.