cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.