[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything