Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
You Might Also Like
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”