Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Me, flirting😏
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal