*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?