M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
You Might Also Like
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.