M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.