M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
the icebreaker
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
turning my gender off to conserve energy