Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
secret recipe
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.