M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed