M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.