M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest